The greatest impediment for moving forward with your life after divorce, is to hold onto your anger and blame toward your ex-husband. I know it can be difficult to release the anger when you may have been cheated on, abandoned, and left with less financial resources. The new reality of having to pick yourself up and begin a new life on your own can be terrifying and it can be easy to wallow in anger and plan your revenge.
There are numerous stories all over the internet on how ex’s have sought revenge. What most don’t see behind the scenes is the effect the revenge has on the person seeking it. Nothing good can come from getting revenge that harms another person. They may feel a temporary high from it, but they are also stepping down to a low level of living. This can be detrimental in the long run for that person and the children if there are any.
I know when my ex-husband left, I was filled with anger at him for the betrayal and for what felt like complete abandonment. I had thoughts of revenge; of wishing he could feel the pain I was in. But within two weeks of him leaving, I got very sick. The emotional toll of my fury wreaked havoc on my physical body. I realized quickly that the anger was a normal reaction, but that if I intended to heal my life and find my path again, I needed to let it go. It wasn’t easy and it didn’t just go away. Anger is one part of the Universal 5-Step grieving process. And I needed to work through the process and grieve the loss of the life I had.
The grieving process is not linear and you may find that you will cycle in and out of anger. The issue is not that you have anger, it’s what you do with it. If you find that your anger is affecting the way you are with your children or that your stress levels are high causing unnecessary problems in your life, you need to look within.
Although, anger is a normal reaction to heartbreak and divorce, when you allow it to take over and darken your world, it’s time to look for ways to heal from it. Your children will feel it and not understand it. They may act out in ways that are not their normal behavior. The anger of a parent toward the other parent can be the MOST emotionally damaging thing you can do without even realizing it. Finding ways to heal from the anger is the best step you can take to ensure a healthy, vibrant life for you and your children.
When I was so angry with my ex-husband, I would argue with him during drop-off or pick-up of our daughter. My daughter would get very upset and I quickly realized how devastating it was for her.
I also realized my anger did not allow me to heal and move forward. It kept me stuck in the past.
So if you’re ready to release your anger and get onto the business of rebuilding your life, here are 5 ways to heal from anger.
UNDERSTAND THAT ANGER IS PART OF THE GRIEVING PROCESS
Acknowledging your anger is the first step to releasing it. Understand that it’s normal to feel angry. There is no judgement. Your whole life has changed and more than likely it was not what you wanted. Moving through a process of acknowledging and ultimately accepting that this is a normal emotion after a break-up or divorce will get you closer to releasing it.
FORGET BLAMING YOUR EX AND FOCUS ON WHAT YOU NEED TO LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCE
It’s easy to blame your ex-husband for where you are now that the divorce is final. But it keeps you in the mode of victim. Playing the victim leaves you powerless to change your life for the better. Don’t do it. Look deeply within and uncover YOUR part in the breakdown of your marriage.
FOCUS ON YOUR LIFE AND HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE
Taking your focus off your ex and instead shifting your focus to learning who you are and what you desire, will quickly release the anger. What will replace the anger is a new-found sense of inner power to create your life in a new, better way. The longer you cast daggers at your ex and blame him, the longer you put off having a life you LOVE.
SET CLEAR INTERNAL BOUNDARIES ON HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED
You may find that your anger continues to rear it’s ugly head whenever you do have contact with your ex no matter what you do. If you are divorced with no children, going no contact can be the best thing for you and your life. If you have children and need to continue a co-parenting relationship, you will need to learn ways to make this workable. Learning to go within and heal patterns of low self-worth or fear around standing up for yourself is one of the best ways to heal the relationship between both of you.
FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO WHO CAN HELP YOU PROCESS THESE INTENSE EMOTIONS
It’s important to process these intense feelings you are having. Find someone you trust to talk with, but make sure you choose someone who has either been where you are now or is focused on helping you create a positive future. It’s important not to involve your children if you have them by taking out your anger on them or turning them against your ex. When you take the time to heal and process this time in your life, you will create a beautiful legacy for yourself and your children. It takes courage and commitment to rise above intense emotions such as anger and turn your life around. Do it for yourself and your children.
My journey through this process of healing has led me onto the path of expansion rather than one of limits. I’ve learned to forgive my ex-husband for his betrayal not for him, but for me and our daughter. I’ve learned to set boundaries and only communicate about important matters through texts and we keep drop-off/pick-up time pleasant as much as possible. I’ve learned that this whole process is about me and the inner work I need to do in order to fully live from a place of love or higher.
Living my life on purpose and creating what I want in my life is the best “revenge” I can imagine. This journey is between me and Spirit and evolving into the greatest version of who I am is the most important work I will ever do.
With Love and Light,
Lisa
Positive Quote of the Day: “Anger is the ultimate destroyer of your own peace of mind.” -Dalai Lama