After divorce, there are so many unknowns and uncertainties. The one thing you can be certain of is that change will continue to happen on a frequent basis. When I was first married and planning to have children, I looked ahead (way too far) and worried about raising teenagers. I could feel the pain of having to let them go out on their own and make their own decisions. This feeling continued during my pregnancy. The thought of letting go was scary for someone who thought she had more control than she did.
What I realized quickly after my divorce, was that the letting go part with my daughter came much earlier than I had anticipated. At age 5, she was already off and out into the world with her dad and people I didn’t know.
It was unnerving.
She would meet people and do things and then come home to tell me about the people she met and the things she did. Things that I had no part of. This stung and it took all my energy not to break down and cry when she was talking to me.
Eventually, as the years passed, it got a little easier.
Although now that she is a tween, I have different worries. I know moms across the world worry about their children going out into the world. But there is a different feel for single moms who have had to do it much earlier and let their little ones go off into the big, wide world without them much more often.
The fact that we do not have that partnership with the other parent makes it feel as if we have no one to confide in about our worries. This, too, places enormous stress on the single parent.
I did some research on how parents truly learn to let go when they have teenagers so they can go forward and live their own life and attempted to apply it to the situation of divorce.
One of the things I hear a lot is that parents don’t want their children to grow up and leave them. They love being parents and it can be scary feeling the years slip away as teenagers move away from their parents to have more autonomy.
This feeling of time slipping away is the same feeling for single parents who, because of custody orders, must share their time. We don’t get to see our kids as much as we had thought when we were planning a family.
Here are 3 ways to help you navigate this journey of letting go:
The best thing we can do for ourselves, and our children is to make sure we are filled up on our own.
Having new-found “free time” whether it’s once a week or every other weekend to yourself can be a gift to allow you to fill your own tank and be your own person so it is easier to let go and allow your child or children to flourish. This way they don’t feel your emptiness and yearning for them when they go off with their other parent.
Being a single parent prepares you ahead of time for the teenage years. We’ve already had to focus on recreating a life for ourselves when the divorce happened. We have experience with doing this and can do it again when our children leave the nest for good. You are also modeling what it means to be a self-sufficient, independent person so that your children can go on to be well-adjusted adults. If you can remember to do this now while they are still little and leaving you for the weekend, your children will thrive.
Divorce does not have to mean we can’t raise well-adjusted, emotionally intelligent individuals.
As single parents, we have another layer of responsibility to our children and that is to teach them independence earlier than we may have otherwise.
They are going out into the world and we must prepare them for situations that are tough to discuss much earlier.
I remember when my ex pushed for my daughter, at 5 years old, to stay at his girlfriend’s house. The one he had the affair with who had a 13-year-old son. My heart raced with the thought of that. Of course, I am not saying all 13-year-old boys would do something to hurt a little girl, but the risk is there. I bought books to help me teach my daughter about being the boss of her own body and what was and was not okay. Thankfully, they broke up before this ever happened.
But we must teach our children to protect themselves at younger and younger ages because we are not with them as much as we would have been if the divorce didn’t happen.
I have been watching my sister adjust to the empty nest that she is almost in. Her oldest daughter is going into her junior year of college and informed her parents she will be staying in her college town next summer. Her twin girls are going into their senior year of high school. She is already feeling the emptiness in the house as the girls are in and out doing their own thing. I can see her grieving the loss of when they were little, and she knew what they were doing. She is happily married and thankfully never experienced giving up the time with them when they were young.
But I can see the parallel with me having gone through the grief phase already. I have learned how to ebb and flow with the letting go and holding on that seems to be the energy that occurs as we move through different phases of life with our children.
Create healthy boundaries and release your grip on specific outcomes you feel need to happen.
Divorce forces you to look at things from a different perspective and hopefully we adjust. We had expectations of how we thought our lives would be and then the trauma of divorce happened. I know many women who get stuck and struggle because they are unable to let go and surrender to all that has changed for them.
This is where using the time you are not with your children can be of great benefit.
Use that time to get to know yourself again.
Use it to try new things that you haven’t had time for.
Use it to become the person that is pushing from within to be released into the world.
By focusing on your relationship with yourself, you will be able to release your expectations of how things should be. Sometimes we use our sadness and grief to hold us back from doing these very things. That is okay. There is no timeline for grief. However, if you have been holding yourself back from making choices to live an extraordinary life or one that you are happy with, then it is time to focus on yourself when your kids are not with you.
It is a time for self-exploration.
If you can look at it as a gift rather than disappointment, you can begin to pivot toward the life you truly desire for yourself. When you are feeling great within and with your own life, the ability to let go as our children grow becomes easier.
Do the inner work to heal and release your anxiety and fear about your child or children being out on their own.
Realizing that you are afraid to let go is the first step to doing it.
You may have limiting beliefs within that are stopping you from allowing your child to flourish in the world without you. You can learn to trust that you are doing the best you can instilling important values for your child which will allow them to be who they are meant to be. Trusting in a Higher Power can also help ease your mind so that you can release your need to hover to protect your child in every situation.
Parenting is hard whether you are doing it with your partner or alone. Letting go is even harder. The key is to focus on the relationship with yourself first, so you show up as the best version of who you are. This alone will allow your child or children to be who they were meant to be.
Wishing you so much love,
Positive Quote of the Day: “Letting go isn’t easy, but it’s necessary.” -Unknown
Grab your copy TODAY of Your Happily Ever Divorce Story!
