The pain that comes from heartbreak and divorce is a real deep hurt that can make you feel as if your heart was shattered into a million little pieces. The pain of loss is so great, it can bring even the strongest among us to their knees. It’s up there as the second most painful event one can experience in their lifetime.

I’m setting the stage of why it’s so difficult to let go and move on after such a traumatic event. Although everyone deals with situations in their life differently, difficulty moving forward is a common thread that occurs after a break-up or divorce.

You may sit and ruminate on what went wrong for many months. You sit down and analyze over and over what you could have done differently. This can be true even if you were the one to initiate leaving the relationship or marriage.

The pain of rejection if you were the one who was left, can take on a life of its own. The thoughts that you aren’t good enough are like a neon sign flashing in your face over and over. These thoughts may move into a profound fear that you will never be happy or find love again.

Understanding why it’s so difficult to move forward can be the first step in letting go. So here are the top 5 reasons why it can be so difficult to move forward after a break-up or divorce:

1. FEELINGS OF REJECTION, ABANDONMENT AND FEAR

The first reason you may struggle to let go is because you may hold on tight to the past in an attempt to dull the pain of rejection, abandonment and fear. It keeps you looking behind you instead of facing what’s right in front of you or ahead of you. You may not want to deal with the future and what choices you need to make to move on alone. It can be scary to take that first step on a path you never thought you’d be on. Sometimes finding the path is difficult and we wander around frantically trying to locate it. The confusion and fear can keep us spinning in circles.

It made me think of the woman I just saw on the news yesterday who was lost for 4 days in the Sequoia National Park. When she reached the summit, she spent time talking with others on the top and when she finally decided it was time to descend, could not find the trail back down. Instead of staying put like she knew she should do, she randomly took off to find the trail on her own out of fear of getting stuck and ultimately got lost.

When we have no idea which way to go, allowing fear to guide your course of action is a recipe for disaster. Fear covers up the internal wisdom that we all have access to within. When we stop and take a few minutes to drop down into our hearts, we can hear the answer or answers to our most pressing problems. By standing still, you can hear the inner wisdom that can guide you to safety and a better future.

Learning how to let go and not only accept the reality of the break-up or divorce, but to ultimately surrender to life right in this moment, is when you will be able to move forward. It will help you find safety amidst the chaos and it’s from this place that you can move forward with new-found strength and confidence. Stand still like the woman from the hiking experience knew she should have done at the top instead of allowing fear to take over. Stand still in the “reality” of what is and sink deep into those feelings. They will lose their hold on you each time you stop, feel and allow the feelings to pass through you.

2. NOT FEELING CAPABLE TO HANDLE ALL THAT COMES WITH BEING ALONE

The thought of going it alone after years of being in a relationship or married, can cause your throat to close up tight and your chest to feel as if you have an elephant sitting on it. There is a lot to consider. Especially with a divorce with young children. You may have had to move or are in the process. You may have needed to change your lifestyle, at least temporarily. You may be the one solely responsible for your child or children due to a spouse who is not a present parent whether physically or emotionally. That’s a lot of responsibility.

Your feelings of inadequacy to take all this on can keep you stuck. Plus, you not only have to take on all of this responsibility, but you are still dealing with your own pain (see #1) and working through your own emotions.

The way I have found myself to not only be capable, but thrive as a single mom was to BELIEVE I was capable. I pulled out the evidence from my past about how capable I had been before my marriage. And I used this evidence to keep me going forward. Although, my responsibilities had increased ten-fold, I knew I HAD to find my strength deep down because I had a young daughter watching me.

Look back on your past (it’s okay to look behind you for learning purposes only, not to ruminate or keep you stuck) and write a list of all your accomplishments, no matter how small. Even if you feel you weren’t very accomplished before does not mean you cannot look within and find your inner strength to create a life in which you are the hero now.

3. YOU GIVE TOO MUCH OF YOURSELF AWAY

Many women give a lot to others and put themselves last on the list. This may have been true in your relationship or marriage. You gave and gave and tried and tried (because we never give up), which causes more pain because no matter how hard we try, things may still fall apart. It’s feeling like a failure that you couldn’t get your relationship or marriage to work that can keep you stuck in the past.

When you find yourself scrambling after your divorce to keep everyone else moving along, you will not have the strength to take care of yourself in a way that allows you to create a new life. In essence, you are like a deflated balloon, giving all your power to the external world and not filling yourself back up to soar.

It’s not selfish to make yourself a priority. It’s a MUST in order to move forward from heartache and rebuild. It’s a MUST as a single parent in order to do the things that have to be done when raising children. It’s a MUST so you can find your joy again.

4. FEELING LIKE YOU HAVE NO FUTURE

Feelings of despair that you’ll never have what you desire in your life can keep you in victim status. Feeling like a victim of your circumstances takes away your power to create a better life for yourself. It starts with believing you can create positive change. By turning your focus away from your ex and all that he’s doing and letting go of what was, brings your energy back to yourself.

Begin this phase of your journey post-divorce by getting excited about what IS possible. Whatever thoughts and ideas that come to you are there for you to manifest into your reality. These thoughts and ideas wouldn’t be there if it were not possible for you to have.

You not only have a future ahead of you with a clean slate, but you can learn to manifest all that you desire. This is a time to grow into who you were meant to be. This attention toward a positive future will help prime your wheels and have you moving forward quickly.

5. YOU STRUGGLE WITH CO-PARENTING

Maybe you have moved forward with your life in some respects, but feel like you keep getting pulled back into a struggle with your ex. Co-parenting is not for the faint of heart. Especially if you have an ex who does not parent the way you do. I know many women who struggle with how their ex behaves with their children and how disheartening it is. But understanding right now that you don’t have control over how anyone else behaves, will save you years of grief.

I’ve learned to let go of explaining why what my ex was saying to our daughter was inappropriate. Or what he was allowing when he was with her that I would not allow. He doesn’t get it and continues with the same behaviors over and over. I could make myself crazy and continue to get upset, but I’ve decided I would rather have peace and be happy. So I do the only thing I have control over and that’s focusing on my life and being the best mother I can be. This allows me to move forward and create my future one day at a time.

Unless your ex is abusive to your children or put’s them in harm’s way, letting go is the only sane thing you can do.

The ultimate scenario is to truly learn to let go of all that we have no control over. This place of surrender and serenity is where the magic of creating what we do truly want happens. That is my wish for you.

Wishing you so much love,

Lisa

Positive Quote of the Day: “Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” -Nora Ephron

If you’d like support on moving forward in a powerful way, grab a copy of my Eguide, “THE HEARTBREAK RECOVERY KIT: YOUR 30-DAY PRESCRIPTION TO HAPPINESS AFTER DIVORCE.”