My first miscarriage happened when I was 41 and I was scared.
Scared that my dream of having my own child would not come true.
Why had it taken so long to meet “the one?”
Why did I wait so long to start trying?
What if I wasn’t destined to be a mom?
These were some of the thoughts swirling around my brain.
Then one day, I called my new doctor’s office to make an appointment. I spoke to the mid-wife and told her I had a miscarriage and confided some of my fears. She then said, “I don’t know if we’ve met yet, but I’m 45 and about to have my first baby.”
The first glimmer of hope I had found.
It was as if Spirit was telling me, “hang on, it’s coming.”
Hope is what inspires us to keep moving and going forward.
I felt renewed that day and vowed to do everything I could to get as healthy as could be so I could get pregnant.
And it worked.
After working with a nutritionist for several months, we tried again to conceive, and I was pregnant within 4 months. I was over the moon excited.
I gave birth to my beautiful daughter not long after my 42nd birthday.
Around the time my daughter turned 2, I yearned to have another baby to complete my dream of being married with 2 children.
I got pregnant again at 45. I felt so blessed.
Then late one night about 5 weeks in, I started to bleed and felt in my heart that my dream of having 2 children was over.
The next morning as I sat on the couch cramping and bleeding alone with my 3 year old running around, I felt crushing disappointment and grief.
A couple of months later, I stopped nursing my daughter and fell off a hormonal cliff.
Everything went black.
The depression that took over was devastating.
I worked my way through the grief alone because I didn’t have any emotional support at that time.
Within the next year is when I discovered my ex-husband was having an affair.
The thought of losing my entire dream crushed my soul.
How could this be happening?
I did not meet my ex until I was 38 and did not get married until I was 40. My dream of being married had taken a long time.
Now here I was facing the end of it all.
In order to be able to move forward, I had to truly surrender to what was happening.
I knew I had to be strong for my daughter and show her what resiliency and courage looked like.
It was a lot of pain to sift through. Not only was I in acute pain, but I realized quickly how much I was still carrying around with me from my childhood.
But what I know for sure is that Spirit did not give me more than I could handle. Yes, it seemed overwhelming, but what I couldn’t know when I miscarried at 45, was that less than 2 years later, I would be on my own with my daughter.
We want to see the whole picture and want to know why things are happening the way they are. Sometimes we will be able to see why in hindsight.
Then there are times we just have to trust and let go and allow our inner Spirit to guide us.
I have learned to trust the process and be guided from within because I cannot see the whole picture and all the details.
This was a lesson that came up for me several times in my life, but this time it really took hold.
This pain was the stop sign I needed to take a breath and a good look at what was going on within. I traveled deep within my soul and did a lot of unraveling of old beliefs and fears and resentments I was still holding onto. I got real with myself for the first time about what I was still holding onto from the past. It was time to re-write my story.
I look at everything in my life, especially the hard times, as an opening to heal more of what no longer serves me on my path to becoming my best self.
What helped me navigate this difficult journey was remembering to lean back more often and allow Spirit to show me the way.
By trusting the process more often now knowing I am being led to where I am meant to be, helps me live one day at a time.
I know the pain and devastation of miscarriage, divorce, and dreams vanishing seemingly overnight. If you have experienced any of this, I would love to hear your stories and how you healed and moved on. If you are in the midst of the pain and grief, please feel free to share and ask questions. Please share what you are comfortable sharing in the comments below.
For further support, send a confidential email to lisa@findyourtrueessence.com.
Wishing you so much love,
Positive Quote of the Day: “At first glance it may look too hard. Look again. Always look again.” -Mary Radmacher
P.S. Don’t forget to grab your FREE copy of “How to Find Yourself and Reclaim Your Joy After Divorce Without Wasting Months or Years Grieving and Feeling Stuck.”