We are coming up on yet another holiday season and if this is your first Christmas after your separation or divorce, it’s bound to bring up a lot of heavy emotions. And as we get closer, the reality of the “new” normal may be hitting you like a ton of bricks.
If you have young children, you must also deal with the custody arrangement which means you may not have your child or children with you on part or all of the holiday. I understand the pain that feels like your chest is on fire. The holidays bring up a lot of emotions around being with family and when your own family is now in disarray, the feeling to get through it with your eyes closed holding on tight to the wild ride seems the only option.
The following suggestions may help you not only get through the holiday but enjoy the little moments with your children and loved ones.
After heartbreak, your heart may be open, and you may feel more vulnerable. Use this to your advantage to make stronger connections with your children and your family members. It’s okay if you go from loving and vulnerable to crying hysterically. Your emotions are bound to be all over the place.
The biggest key to going through the holidays is to stay in the moment and breathe
Don’t look ahead to the future. Don’t even look ahead of today. When you can stay in this present moment and focus on balancing your emotions through deep breathing, you will feel calmer and better able to handle each moment as it comes.
Relinquish control
I know it may be difficult when you now feel everything is out of your control. The truth is we only have control over how we respond and act daily. If your children must spend Christmas with their father and his family and it’s your first one without them, it may be tempting to curl up into a ball and rage against the world. I know it’s how I felt at times. The lost moments with my daughter would send me reeling with pain.
But it’s your life too. Nurturing yourself and taking great care to be gentle and loving with yourself can make a world of difference in how you survive the holiday. Learning how to surrender in each moment is a gift you can give yourself. Your children will also follow your lead and will feel your peaceful energy.
If it’s too soon and your emotions are raw, do the best you can. If when the kids leave, you fall apart, that’s okay. Feeling sorry for yourself for not having the kids is a normal response. It’s part of your healing journey. Crying is healing and will release heavy energy. Reach out to a friend or family member you trust. Just having someone listen to you and allow you to cry on their shoulder is so healing and will make you feel less alone in the world.
Start new traditions
Focus on preparing to celebrate Christmas with your children on the day they come home or even before they go.
I know it may feel different celebrating Christmas not on December 25th, but you can create a beautiful day for you and your children when they return. Pretend it’s Christmas Eve and start a new tradition. Have a picnic on the floor of your living room with pizza and cookies for dessert. Have hot chocolate and cozy up and read Christmas stories. The next morning wake up as if it’s Christmas morning and again make a new tradition in how you would celebrate Christmas. Maybe make a special egg bake or cinnamon rolls and lounge around in the morning in your pjs. If you have to work, do this on the weekend.
If it’s your first Christmas and you have the children for the holiday, make new traditions. Ask your child or children if they are old enough how they would like to celebrate.
The first Christmas after my separation, I dreaded pulling out all my decorations. And my daughter and I loved Christmas, so it made me very sad. Finally, one day after putting it off, I realized I could put the tree where I had always wanted it and create a space in my living room that was mine and my daughter’s. I took out the decorations and literally decorated the whole house differently than I had done in the past. My daughter and I went and got the tree together. The man at the farm put it on top of my car for me and when we got home, I pulled it off in one fell swoop. My daughter at age 5 helped me carry it in the house.
It felt good to be able to create a new environment instead of holding on to the past. This helped lessen some of my sadness. Of course, I still felt sadness and grief, at times. I had always dreamed of having a family and celebrating Christmas like the Hallmark movies. But that year I had to dig deep and create a new movie. Her father also came over on Christmas Eve and on Christmas morning, which was not my idea of the happy family, but it made my daughter happy which was my priority.
Focus on your life and the life you are creating with your children
If you are struggling with an ex that is angry and bitter and is attempting to turn your children against you, you must for you and your children’s sake remain calm. If he is saying things that are inappropriate, the only thing you can do is allow your children to talk to you without reacting and then calmly and lovingly tell them your truth. Do not bash your ex or get into the game of trying to turn them against their father. Stay true to you and how you feel and eventually, if not today, your children will understand the truth. They already do on some level; they just may be confused and not able to express it yet.
Check out Co-dependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Don’t use unhealthy devices such as overspending, overeating or alcohol to see you through. This will only fuel the flames of your pain when January 2nd rolls around. Reading a book or going on a shopping spree within your means to distract yourself is good self-care. Distracting yourself to get through the holidays the first year is a healthy option.
A good book for inspiration to read or read again is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I read this book before I was even married. It’s a good book to read again and again. If you want to dive into a novel, anything by Elin Hildebrand will take your mind off your worries.
If you have the time and can take a short trip for Christmas when your kids are with your ex, consider this as an option to do something nice for yourself.
Let go of all expectations but do have a plan
Don’t expect anything. Our expectations of how it’s supposed to be, or look is nonsense. We are living, breathing human beings doing the best we can every day. Remember the Hallmark movies I mentioned? My Christmases even when I was married never lived up to the movies. But after heartbreak you only look back with nostalgia with rose-colored glasses on. The truth is that now that I create my own traditions, I feel more of the feelings I’ve wanted to feel around the holidays than ever before. And you can plan for a nice holiday even if it’s your first Christmas alone.
When we put too many expectations on ourselves and others around us, it creates tension and then all anyone feels is stress. If your expectation is that Christmas is supposed to be full of joy and laughter and you find yourself sobbing on Christmas Eve, you will beat yourself up a thousand times which is not good for you or your children. Let it all go and allow yourself to be and do whatever feels right in the moment. But again, have some sort of plan in place. When you don’t, the dark abyss you may fall into may stay with you long after it’s over.
If you know that your kids will be with their dad Christmas morning, do not stay in your house and wake up there Christmas morning. Go to a friend’s or family member’s house on Christmas Eve and stay over. Or go on a trip with a single friend. Attend a yoga retreat. Anything to avoid being alone in the house. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being alone and taking time for yourself, but your first holiday away from your kids will be tough and making it worse by being alone can be torture.
If you have the kids on Christmas, focus on the planning of how you will make it as peaceful and joyful as you can for you and your children. The planning will help you focus on something other than your pain. You are doing it for your kids and that alone will see you through.
Just remember, there is only one first Christmas after divorce. It does and will get easier. You’ll have 11 months to plan for a Christmas season that brings you joy once again. So be gentle with yourself, reach out to others, have a plan and then let go of all expectations.
Wishing you so much love,
Lisa
Positive Quote of the Day: “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” -Maya Angelou