I remember reading and listening to the work of Marianne Williamson years ago and her message about love versus fear. That there are only these two choices.
I never quite understood what she meant because we all have so many emotions that swirl around every day, such as anger, sadness, and also joy.
It took years of personal growth and the healing journey that came after my marriage ended, that I began to understand the meaning behind this.
It took deep inner healing work to KNOW that I could choose which lens I wanted to view life. Through the lens of love or fear.
Love encompasses all the feelings of not only love itself, but joy, peace, a sense of connection with others whereas being in a state of fear encompasses not only fear, but anger, grief, despair.
Living from a state of love does not mean you are loving or loveable all the time. The state of love encompasses being open and non-judgmental and trusting the process that all will be well. It means choosing to forgive versus seeking revenge.
I know this may sound difficult when you are dealing with issues with co-parenting with your ex, or you are so tired because you have the kids all the time and you’re a working mom on top of it. Life can be hectic and stressful especially after a divorce.
The fear after heartbreak comes from looking at the world through the lens of not only fear, but anger and sadness.
There are so many changes happening at once, that the darkness of fear including all of the emotions of grief, can feel like there is no other choice and that you never had one.
Living on the side of fear keeps you stuck. Our world is limited when we are in fear. We cannot see what is POSSIBLE when we are experiencing fear, anger, frustration, and deep sadness. It is okay to feel these feelings as they are a part of life. And it is part of the grieving process when heartbreak occurs.
Although there is a process of grieving that needs to happen after experiencing heartbreak, when you find yourself stuck on the side of fear, it is especially important to look at what is really going on.
To be able to choose love versus fear, we must first honor how we are feeling and process whatever emotions are coming up before we can truly feel the lighter feelings of love and joy and live from a state of love.
After heartbreak, anyone mentioning the word joy can catapult you deeper into a dark hole. Because when you are in that much pain, it is difficult to see life through the lens of love and joy. You may feel as if you will never feel happy again.
I remember when I was in the initial phase of grief, I looked around at people enjoying simple things such as reading a book. I could not imagine ever feeling well enough mentally and emotionally to enjoy a book again. I could not imagine feeling any sense of peace or hope. My world consisted of looking out at it through the lens of fear.
So many women get stuck in the anger-grief-fear cycle. Because although these feelings are a normal process of grieving a loss, our history forges the way.
If you have this feeling of not feeling good enough (which many, many women have on some level), the internal beatings about what we did wrong or that we are wrong, occur and keep us cycling through these 3 emotions. Thus, the grieving process is worse for those of us with so much emotional baggage that we carry with us from the past.
Until we heal the stories, the ones we keep telling ourselves based on the past, we will loop through these 3 emotions for longer than necessary.
Making it much more difficult to choose love.
Making it much more difficult to see through the lens of love.
So, the first way to cope with the fear is to understand what is behind it.
THE FIRST WAY TO HANDLE THE FEAR IS TO GO RIGHT INTO THE FEELING OF FEAR. ASK, “WHAT IS THIS FEAR ABOUT?”
Trust whatever answer you get. Then breathe right into the fear taking deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. You will notice the intensity of fear dissipate.
The fear you are feeling is based on information from your past. Experiences and events that comprise the beliefs you formed about how life works. When you heal and release these beliefs that are not based on truth, you will find it much easier to shift to living in a state of love.
Having support to look at what is behind your fear can quickly shift you out of the state of fear and all of the emotions that go with it and have you looking at life through the lens of love.
THE SECOND WAY TO COPE WITH THE FEAR IS TO ASK ANOTHER POWERFUL QUESTION.
When you find yourself in gripping fear about your situation or the future, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What would I rather be feeling in this moment?”
This question stops the negative spin cycle of fear into the lower energy feelings and allows the space of a few seconds to change your feelings in real time.
For instance, if instead of feeling anger and rage at your ex for not showing up to pick up the kids, you can ask, “what would I rather feel in this moment?” It opens space for a different perspective.
This will open space to allow solutions, what I call SOUL-lutions, to come in.
Maybe you were looking forward to much needed alone time, but as you ask this question and look at your children, you find yourself feeling compassion for them. You can then reframe what your day or night can look like. And the question alone can quickly dissolve the intensity of your anger. Because the anger you would have held onto does nothing to change the situation and only hurts YOU in the process.
Another example is that you are feeling intense fear about your finances. You are short this month, are struggling to pay your bills, and have nowhere to turn. Or you are just transitioning from the marital home and now the heaviness of having to be the primary breadwinner for yourself and/or children keeps you up at night.
Ask, “what would I rather feel in this moment?”
When there is so much fear, we cannot hear the whispers of our Higher Self and Spirit. This inner wisdom from within and above has ALL the answers you will ever need.
When you ask this question in the moment of intense fear, you will notice you feel a little lighter. This is when ideas and insights can come through.
Choosing love means choosing a better feeling in the moment. We do not have to think we need to go from anger to loving others as if all is well. Even though on a spiritual level, all is well. We can just choose the next best feeling by asking ourselves the powerful question of, “what would I rather feel?”
GRAB A COPY OF MY FREE 7-STEP BLUEPRINT TO LEARN WHAT IT TAKES TO HEAL AFTER HEARTBREAK AND DIVORCE
THE THIRD WAY TO COPE WITH FEAR IS LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT.
When you can become aware that you are in fear (because a lot of the time we do not even realize how tight our shoulders are and how shallow our breath), we can bring ourselves back to the present moment.
There is nothing to fear when you are living in the present moment.
Keep doing your daily routine. Take great care of yourself by eating right and exercising for today only. The thought of having to continue anything long-term brings up anxiety and fear. But when you focus on just what you choose for today, each day will take care of itself and before long you will look up and realize you have been living your life.
One that has you looking at the world through the lens of love.
When you begin to choose love more often, living from a state of love more often, you will notice your life working more smoothly than ever before. Synchronicities show up daily, maybe multiple times a day. This can happen in little or big ways.
And once again, you will feel joy. Sometimes more than ever before. Because the process of healing your past can forge a path, one that you may have never imagined or one you have only dreamed about.
Wishing you so much love,
Positive Quote of the Day: “Love and fear represent two different lenses through which to view the world. Which I choose to use will determine what I think I see.” -Marianne Williamson
