I remember when I was in the throes of severe heartache after my marriage imploded, I couldn’t find joy anywhere. I would see someone doing something simple such as reading a novel, which is something I had always enjoyed, and would think I would never enjoy it again.
The pain was immense, and I couldn’t find an ounce of sunshine.
Slowly, I realized I had to find small ways to feel good each day. Otherwise, I was going to continue to spiral further into the darkness.
Ironically, picking up a novel was what began to bring me joy again. It was a way to distract myself from my own situation.
I began to focus on self-care again and found a little bit of joy hiding in my face cream. Smoothing on the freshly scented lotion would make me feel like I was finding myself again. I was coming back to life.
Deep breathing, focusing on only the present moment, prayer, EFT (emotional freedom techniques), snuggling with my daughter, reading her a book, and baking with her were some of the ways I added dollops of joy to my day.
I am not talking about jumping for joy.
It’s difficult to go from heartbreak to full-blown joy. It takes a little bit of focus on finding ways to feel less stressed that can get you moving in the direction of joy.
It can take you by surprise because as you focus on the little things, one day you look up and your heart feels joyful again.
Joy is your birthright.
It’s an ongoing process that needs to be focused on daily.
I have found turning to God each morning and praying for God’s will has been what has filled my heart with peace. I have always been spiritual, but I have found such peace and joy through my conscious connection with God and Spirit every day.
This is also what has been helping me on my grief journey after losing my mom suddenly one year ago.
I know there is no better way to honor her than to continue to live my life by finding the joy in and around me. Some days it is much harder than others. But I keep reminding myself of what she would want for me. My mom’s greatest legacy is the love she had for her family which brought her so much joy.
Here are some ways to add in joy to your day, every day.
- Prayer. This is the most important step to finding some relief from the immediate pain. Worry and fear were my constant companions after my marriage ended and after losing my mom. Prayer for me was taking my worries and fears to God/Spirit to relieve my burden. I could feel the heaviness lift as I turned daily to prayer. This is what helped me to see the world in color again.
2. Present-moment awareness. I began focusing on only what I needed to do in each moment of my day. I wouldn’t allow myself to look ahead even to nighttime which was the worst when I was in acute pain. The anticipation of the dark night approaching would make me anxious. So instead I focused on just what I needed to do each moment and added a few things each day that made me feel a little better and nighttime would come and I’d be okay.
3. Gratitude. There are many studies that have been done on the power of gratitude. Even if you say you can’t find one thing to be grateful for, there really is. Choose one thing a day if that is all you can come up with. Work up to a daily practice of 1-3 minutes a day and watch your perspective on life change.
4. Congratulate yourself. Congratulate yourself for completing something that you had to push yourself to do such as take out the garbage. Each time you do this, you add another notch to your self-confidence.
5. Look forward to something. Plan something such as a massage that you can look forward to. This doesn’t contradict staying in the moment. Doing this can give your heart a little jump to remind you there are still good things in the world.
6. Reframe how you look at your chores/responsibilities. I remember right after my ex-husband left; I would resist doing simple chores. The thought of grocery shopping filled me with dread. I spent more time anticipating having to go to the store, that this chore took hours. Finding ways to “enjoy” this task was due to my re-framing how I thought about it. I would make a special morning of it on Saturday’s.
The grocery store I used to shop in had a hot breakfast buffet and café seating. I would take my daughter and we would have our “special” breakfast and then do our shopping. Getting out of the house early and getting it accomplished while spending quality time with my daughter felt good.
7. Spend time alone allowing yourself to just be. Waking up in the morning earlier than your family can be a great time for reflection or simply just being. I love doing this with a hot cup of coffee or tea before the whirlwind of my day begins. It fills me with peace which allows little bubbles of joy to come up.
8. Cook your favorite meal. It does not have to be a recipe with tons of ingredients and a million steps involved. My favorite go-to dish is capellini pasta (gluten-free) with stewed tomatoes mashed up with olive oil and garlic sprinkled with Locatelli cheese. I’ve been making this since I was a teenager. It used to be an after-school snack for me. It brings me comfort and I make this when I need to nourish my heart and soul. It feels good to me. Find your dish that brings up these feelings of comfort and peace.
9. Take a drive and listen to your favorite music. I LOVE driving and when I listen to my favorite music, I feel like I can take on the world. It’s that powerful for me. I get most of my creative ideas when I do this. Even during the initial pain of separation, this helped me.
10. Do something creative. Maybe you had a talent for something creative when you were younger that you used to love. Start doing it again. The nostalgia from a happy time in your life coupled with the joy of doing what you love, can fill your heart with peace and joy.
11. Buy your favorite flower or plant your favorite shrub in your garden. Flowers make me happy. I often buy myself fresh flowers and put them in vases I have collected over the years. When driving around, I find myself looking at other’s flower gardens and feeling a ping of joy when I see brightly colored flowers blooming.
12. Declutter. Choose an area of your home that is causing stress. Initially, you may feel like pulling your hair out would be better than doing this, but you will feel much better when it’s done. Again, try reframing your thoughts around doing the work of cleaning or decluttering to feeling like you are getting rid of old energy you don’t need anymore.
13. Give up worrying about what other’s think of you. This one thing can derail our joy. Here is a little secret. No one cares about what you are doing. This doesn’t mean no one cares about you. It just means they are too busy worrying about their own lives. We think others are judging and talking about us non-stop, but it’s just not true. And even if they are judging from time to time, it has to do with who they are and nothing to do with you. The freedom that comes from not caring about what other’s think of you or say about you is paramount to finding joy again.
14. Surrender to your circumstances. Surrendering to where you are right now will provide immediate relief. Sink into accepting what has happened and give it to God. You don’t even have to know how to change things in your life yet. Just sinking into the realization that your life has changed is enough to open the new doorway to peace and joy.
15. Find ways to laugh. I remember when I was in so much pain, I would put on Friends and laugh until I cried. Laughing can heal a broken heart. It releases endorphins that can make us feel good.
16. Be kind to another person. Giving to someone else in need makes us feel good. Try practicing simple random acts of kindness toward someone you know needs to feel joy again too.
17. Get some sunshine. Sitting out on your porch or deck soaking up the sun’s rays has a way of calming the spirit. Not to mention that vitamin D is considered the happy vitamin. Just 15 minutes with no sunscreen can help you absorb your daily requirement for vitamin D.
18. Be authentic and uncover who you really are. Joy is our birthright. When life gets messy, the barriers that we erect cover up our joy. Take some time to get to know the “real” you. What do you like? What interests do you have? Answering these questions will bring you back to your natural inner state. This is where you will find the joy that is eluding you.
19. Spend time with someone in your life who you trust like a good friend or sibling. These people don’t judge us. They will allow you to just be. I remember when I was in horrific emotional pain, the greatest gift I ever received was when a friend just sat on the other end of the phone holding space for me as I sobbed. I am forever grateful for this seemingly “small” act of kindness, but it fills my heart with joy every time I think about it.
20. Take a walk through a forest. Being out in nature and amongst the trees is very healing. This is something you can do alone or with your children. Kids thrive when out in nature so it’s a win-win situation.
21. Smile. There is evidence that even faking a smile can be beneficial and still release the “feel good” neurotransmitters. Try it. You have nothing to lose.
Grieving a loss through a break-up or divorce takes time as well as losing someone you love through death. However, just moving through time does not heal a broken heart. Being proactive in your healing journey is what can transform your life.
Reach out for support, lean on your friends and family, and find ways to heal your heart and soul so you can eventually move forward with a joyful heart.
Wishing you so much love,
