I have been asked often, “how do you get over the ending of an 18-year, 25-year, or 35-year marriage? 

My initial response is the same way you get over any loss.  You must process your emotions and go through the grief cycle. 

I can tell you from watching my mom navigate after the ending of her 28-year marriage to my dad, that by not processing her emotions in a healthy way, she stayed stuck for a long time in an endless loop of fear-grief-anger. 

My marriage lasted only 7 years.  I remember crying to my mom that I recreated the same dynamics in my marriage that she had with my dad in a quarter of the time.  Our marriages ended in the same way: betrayal due to an affair. 

The difference with my mom’s divorce and mine was that my sisters and I were all adults, and I had a 5-year-old little girl.  I had to navigate co-parenting, something my mom never had to deal with. 

I also knew in my heart that the ending of my marriage was the awakening I needed to finally heal all my own childhood wounds, limiting beliefs, and fears that I had held onto for years. 

The first step was to grieve my losses. 

The loss of my relationship and my dreams of having an intact family for my daughter. I also had a lot of regrets that I “wasted” all those years on someone who could turn around and betray me and our family.  I can only imagine how much regret someone would feel after the ending of a long-term marriage, especially if it ended in the same way.

Here is where I think it is essential to get clear quickly that it is never too late to pivot and look forward to creating a life you love and adore. 

I wasted a lot of time ruminating over my regrets.  After a long-term marriage ends, I feel it is so important to get support right away to make sure you do not stay mired deep in regret.  The energy of regret is very heavy and can keep you stuck in one place, unable to move forward.

You can find joy again. The list below will help you get started on your path forward.

Here are 10 ways to help you overcome the ending of your long-term marriage:

  1. Work on Acceptance.  This is in line with making sure you process your emotions and ultimately surrender to what is.  I know how hard this can be.  You may be in shock and the thought of accepting where you are right now is not even on your radar.  But I promise you, once you find acceptance and ultimately surrender, your life will change in amazing and surprising ways.  Be gentle with yourself during this part of your journey.
  2. Get Support. Reaching out for support is so important for learning effective ways to process your emotions which will no doubt be all over the place. 
  3. Dust off that long-forgotten dream.  You are NEVER too old to do something that brings you joy that you have forgotten or pushed to the side over the years of marriage, child-rearing, and endless responsibilities. 
  4. Exercise.  Any kind of movement will literally help you process the heavy emotions in your body.  The physical movement will help you release stagnant energy allowing you to open to newer possibilities.  Add your favorite music and you will be feeling on top of the world.  Walking everyday even for 20 minutes can profoundly transform your life.   
  5. Do not jump into the dating world.  The thought of dating after the ending of a long-term marriage can feel downright scary.  I was terrified and I had only been married 7 years.  If you feel ready, go test the waters, but waiting until you have fully grieved, will help you navigate getting back out there much better.  (And one day, sooner than you think, you may look forward to finding someone to love again).
  6. Do something new every week.  Looking forward to trying something new each week will help you keep the focus on yourself, which is where it needs to be.  Life can be exciting at any age and any season of your life.  Make a list and start doing things that you have always wanted to try.
  7. Love yourself.  Loving yourself includes setting firm boundaries.  Go no contact if you can which will allow you time to process your emotions without distractions.  Know that the ending of your marriage is not a reflection on you.  Learn ways to heal what you feel is holding you back in life and take the steps toward unconditional love for yourself. 
  8. Find the hidden gems. There is always good that can be pulled from a bad situation.  Take some time, after you have grieved, to look for the hidden gems and golden nuggets of wisdom you acquired from your years in your marriage.  What did you learn about who you were and who you are now?  Take some time for self-inquiry. 
  9. Reclaim your sacred space.  No matter where you wind up living, whether you had to sell your home and chose an apartment, decorate it the way you want so you feel immense joy being in that environment. You get to make all the decisions now and can fill your space with all your favorite things. 
  10. Spend time with those you love.  Make sure to schedule family time with your siblings, your children and/or grandchildren, friends; old and new.  It is so important to surround yourself with those that make you feel good.  Eventually, you can join a group and maybe even travel with your new friends from that group. 

You have more options than you realize.  There are new and exciting opportunities ahead no matter how old you are.  I know it is so hard to see this when you are deep in sorrow, grief, despair, loss, and anger. 

It will and does get better.  You have everything you need within to transform your life and enjoy each day.

Wishing you so much love,

Positive Quote of the Day: “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” -C.S. Lewis